Top Model Episode 7: Cruel Intentions
Source: By CHRIS JANCELEWICZ
Posted: 10/23/08 2:53PM
Filed Under: Top Model
I'm used to Top Model being one of the most zany, out-there shows on TV. What I'm not accustomed to is the incredible lengths Tyra et. al. go to break the show's crazy scale. Every episode is an exercise in acceptance for the viewer - will I tune in next week and attempt to survive yet another Tyra accent without squirming on the couch? Can I bear to see another girl's dreams crushed horribly on international TV? The answer is yes and YES.
ANTM fans were given many treats this week, starting with a limo cat fight. The two 'depressed' girls (Elina and Marjorie, both of whom happen to be of European descent) become the targets of an onslaught of accusations, like 'Why do you have to make everything so sad?' and 'Just be happy!' In past episodes, Marjorie has blamed her melancholic personality on being French; Elina claims her seriousness stems from her Oedipal I-hate-my-mother complex. Understandably the other contestants, whose IQs combine to equal their waist sizes, attack. One fears what one doesn't understand, especially when one doesn't understand anything.
Episode 7 Moments |
Once the trip to Amsterdam is announced, suddenly there's costumes and music. Crazy? We think so. |
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PHOTOS |
The skill-building challenge takes us back to the early 90s, when stuff like pastel colours, Hypercolor t-shirts, and blue screen effects were considered cool. The girls are taught to dance by the Aswirl Twins (yes, really), two guys normally known as Richard and Ron Harris. Picture Danny Glover with a shaved head and multiply him by two, and there you have them. These guys are self-professed 'experts' on accessories and working the garment to its maximum potential. Where does Tyra dig these people up?
The girls dance in front of the blue screen, each of them wearing a skin-tight green bodysuit underneath a Nony Tochterman garment; think Blue Man Group, clad in your grandma's dresses. The end result is you can't see anything but the clothes (which is a shame, because the clothes are hideous). The girls' skin is invisible, and because of the bodysuits, they can't feel or see anything. The performances are pathetic, just like this challenge - Joslyn practically gives a strip show, and Marjorie's dress slips off. Elina is the only one who pulls off something remotely interesting by dancing like Julie Andrews on top of that hill in The Sound of Music. She wins, and takes Marjorie and Analeigh with her on her reward of a Seventeen magazine photo shoot.
With things already tense in the household due to the limo argument, all it takes is a tiny spark to ignite an inferno. Samantha's less-than-apt impression of an Asian accent is the flint, and the politically-correct stylings of EuroMarj and Eurolina is the frikkin' gasoline. Sheena (the only Asian girl in the house) says it doesn't bother her, but uses it as an excuse to attack the Euros. Sheena doesn't take s--t from anyone! In true ANTM fashion, nothing gets solved and the fight ends with:
Elina: 'Are you finished?'
Sheena: 'Are you finished?'
This one certainly isn't finished, not by a long shot. I'm looking forward to further arguments. There's so many alpha females this season, it's awesome.
Up next is the Cover Girl commerical shoot, one of my least favourite parts of the season. It's so boring, especially when all the girls suck at it, which is pretty much the case here. Analeigh is the only one who rocks it. When she takes the eyeshadow case and snaps it in between her fingers, I fall in love. Now I'm certain she's my favourite.
The rest of them aren't even close. Samantha still has mushmouth, and looks too much like Twiggy for my taste. Elina's s'ok, if not a bit too robotic. McKey is Freddie Mercury. Awkward Marjorie looks as if she's on speed. Sheena's working the stripper vibe. The worst, though, is Joslyn, who blows chunks in the garbage can four times before her shoot. Thanks to the ANTM producers for showing us! Gross.
At panel, Tyra makes the girls walk in clogs for her own entertainment, and then reveals they're going to AMSTERDAM! Suddenly, there's a weird outline of flowers on the TV screen, and Miss J, Paulina, Tyra, and guest judges Aswirl are all wearing Dutch costumes. Music plays, and the girls look confused. Don't worry, girls, we didn't get it either. But of course, the girl being eliminated won't be going to Amsterdam, so it's a royal screw for them.
The final two are Eurolina and pukey Joslyn. In an exercise of incredible cruelty, Tyra pulls an 'it's-you-that's-going-home-no-wait-it's-you' move on Joslyn. My friends and I literally went 'Oh!' when we thought Elina was being kicked off, and then it transformed to 'Oooooooh!' when we realized it was actually Joslyn. That's what you get for puking on Top Model. Unless you're doing it to lose weight, it's completely unprofessional and won't be tolerated.
Random Noticeables:
-- Jay's hats and accessories this season are hideous. His red and pink bowler hat this episode was unforgiveable. The Aswirl twins could have taught him a thing or two.
-- Did you notice McKey's ears during the Cover Girl shoot? They were scarlet red! And she looks so much like Freddie Mercury it's creeping me out.
-- Tyra really twisted the knife in poor Joslyn. Even though she sucked, no one deserves the ol' bait-and-switch on international TV.
-- Go-sees! Next week! Amsterdam! To Europe with our Eurogirls...let's just see how depressed everyone is there.
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